This article is entirely satirical. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow. It’s impossible to look like all those Gigi Hadid lookalikes who’ve had their noses done and haven’t eaten anything but salad in ages. years, apart from Joséphine Estelle’s pasta? Well, you’re in luck. We are too!
Clocking in at just 5-foot-4 with the thighs of a fantastic high school softball catcher, insecurities run rampant. The hourly pay of our jobs on campus – the fact that we have jobs in the first place makes every Kappa want to give us DIY hysterectomies – is nowhere near enough to afford a closet full of Dolls Kill, Reformation and all the overpriced Los Boutique d’Angeles that we don’t know because we’re broke Southerners.
If you’re curious about becoming Tulane’s “That Girl,” look no further.
Get moving, DARE program! We all know that the key to being “That Girl” at Tulane is a healthy drug habit. And we’re not just talking about a little weed here and there – everyone’s tried Jake of Mo 6 edibles, and they don’t work.
If you’re not regularly using two or more Schedule II drugs, I’m sorry, but you’re just not “That Girl”. Oxy. Regularly. Coke. Daily. Whips are a staple of the Tulane “That Girl,” known for really boosting the abilities of that beautiful brain that would have brought you here in the first place. If you’re not ready for that, a Juul or any other e-cig will do just fine. We heard that the one with the cute ombre design makes your boobs more perky.
You might be wondering, “Where can I get my hands on this stuff?” No worries, we’ve got you covered. Just talk to any member of the local fraternity, walk down Broadway Street after a busy weekend, or just ignore everyone at every party you attend during your four years here. People like that.
If you’re into something a little less enjoyable, Narcan is available. at these places in New Orleans. A Tulane “That Girl” stays safe – but remember, it’s not alcoholism until you graduate.
You care! Kind of …
Here’s the thing: Tulane’s “That Girl” is acutely aware that there is grave injustice in this world. the climate crisis continues to threaten the lives of billions of people with little action on any front. Wage inequality is at a staggering level, and gas price look like your high school major’s GPA. And she raises awareness!
Her Instagram Story contains infographics that she has not researched further; she posts her holiday photos in Bora Bora on Earth Day; she wears vegan Dr. Martens; she only orders UberEats if the car is electric and she bullies people who use plastic straws. If she’s feeling great, she’ll use that teary emoji that any sane person would never use and include something like “come on, guys!”
She does the job! But come on, this Dolls Kill top is so cute! And she would never, ever do a SHEIN transport. For less than $300. And then sell what doesn’t fit in the Tulane Thrift GroupMe and mark up the price.
You know what it means to love New Orleans! Well, parts of it:
The Tulane “That Girl” is so engaging on social media, posting every cute New Orleans graphic she sees on her Instagram Explore page. She posts every Mardi Gras day – wearing those two-piece sets from Amazon with garlands of hair and expensive white sneakers that she’s, for some reason, not afraid to destroy in a frat backyard – but never go to a parade.
What a daring choice to celebrate a cultural holiday with at least one caption “TUESDAY PARDI” without an ounce of respect for its history! And she won’t remember a blink of an eye, because of all those Schedule II drugs mixed with cranky vodka.
The Tulane “That Girl” calls New Orleans home after half a semester – this Shaya hummus just swept her away. Do not be afraid ! Although she will openly call Crescent City her home, she will not volunteer in the city unless required by her service-learning class. And make a donation? Definitely not.
Remember when we got kicked off campus for COVID-19? The “That Girls” were reposting this adorable “I Love You, New Orleans” graphic, even though they were only leaving Uptown to go cause trouble in the French Quarter. She put the drawing “I love you, Louisiana” on her story while Hurricane Ida wreaked havoc on the city, followed by an oversaturated beach image – with free feet? Uh. – subtitled “Hurrication!”
You can tell she’s passionate about the part of New Orleans that runs from Yulman Stadium to The Fly. You’ll hear his stance on education and poverty in the South—hint: everyone’s stupid and poor! — when it appears in a given communication course.
You are from the Northeast!
Daring to be different from your two friends named Rachel and your three friends named Julia, you decided to go to college in the South. Everyone else in your class likely chose Rutgers University or Pennsylvania State. But you? Your parents paid over $80,000 this year for you to develop more gastrointestinal issues and a fixation on mimosas. What courage on your part!
But this change of scenery is not without complications. Of course, you will swallow any vat placed in front of you. But the bagel situation? To say is the least we can say. You won’t touch Commons bagels unless it’s an absolute emergency, and even then you’ll complain as you go.
And yes, the weather is nice. But somehow, once it drops below 60 and there is a light drizzle, all of your northern cold resistance leaves your body. “It’s just not the same kind of cold,” you cry as you recall the subzero winters you experienced from age 0 to 18 — sometimes even in Vail, Colorado.
Where is this energy now? See, it simmered too long and it turned into anger. Every time the very nice Mississippi girl upstairs from “That Girl” puts on a jacket and makes a comment about the temperature, she bursts out, “That?! You think THIS is cold? Try to be from Hunterdon, the wealthiest county in New Jersey according to Wikipedia. Or however they speak.
We will not detail more.
Secretly fuel your friends’ messy eating habits!
Don’t you think Tulane replacing Panera, a nutritious option offering real meals, with Dunkin’ Donuts, a coffee-dominated establishment, is a problem! “No,” exclaims Tulane “That Girl” as she complains in the Le Gourmet line that white rice is “so much unhealthier” than brown rice.
For “That Girl”, an iced coffee is breakfast. Humble Bagel is her weekend treat when she’s super hungover after a night of telling her friends, “I’m just not going to eat, so I’m going to get drunk quicker.” But once the girls come out, bagels in hand, she’ll make sure everyone hears her say, “How am I supposed to eat ALL of this?” There are so many carbohydrates. And his only pre-medical friend will remember that notorious CELL 1010 demigod Dr. V always says that carbs are your brain’s favorite source of energy.
But it does not matter ! “That Girl” is sticking to a Commons-only lineup, and she’s going to make it everyone’s problem.
Be rich and also ignorant!
” This girl.”
Start using the word “summer” as a verb. We’ll use it in one sentence: “I’ve been to Cape Town, where my family has a seaside mansion with a private beach. I used to go to Camp Dahdee Smoney. Where have you been? »
She could come to Tulane as a psychology major on the pre-med track, but she drops out after her first week of Gen Chem I and moves into communications.
Her Instagram might be neatly crafted with photos of a Friday afternoon spent disrespecting the locals at The Fly and Jack Rose’s dinner party, but it’s visibly littered with evidence that she attended every darty. Especially if foam is present.
She’s wearing sneakers that already look worn but cost more than a student employed at Tulane in a semester. Bonus points if there’s a nose job involved – your deviated septum doesn’t count.
You appreciate the simple things!
In the end, it really comes down to the little things for a Tulane “That Girl.” Take part in this midday workout on the Reily Student Rec Center Stair Master and wear this matching Aviator Nation set while doing it.
It involves drinking water from your Hydro Flask and dropping it in the middle of your class of 150 people. It’s sunbathing on the LBC quad in an expensive bikini the minute it’s over 70 degrees and sunny. He complains that the men who go here are under 6ft while you are 5ft 1 yourself.
So get out there and post this beautiful sunset on Snapchat and know that you are nothing less than “that girl”.